“Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don’t care?”
I am not normally the calm one. In fact more often then not I am the hyper, bounce off the wall, emotional roller coaster in many situations and relationship. (I’m the existential “shoot first, question later” gal. Handy in a Wild West Shoot-Out, not so handy in a tried and true Mr. & Mrs. Smith style interrogation) Having said that, one of the things I’ve been trying to do lately is take a breath before reacting. So last night I hitched up my big girl panties and did just that.
“It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?”
Probably one of my biggest pet peeves can be called one of two things, either 1. having no consideration for others or 2. failing to keep true to your word. Call it what you want, but when someone tells me they are going to be somewhere at X time and they not only are not, but fail to show up at or even call. I get ticked. In another scenario, if you tell me you are going to do X and you don’t for days on end, if at all, then I get ticked. Now obviously both of these situations can have extenuating circumstances that may prevent you from showing up or doing stuff, and that is O.K. Just call me, send me a text, a telegraph, a carrier pigeon for criminey’s sake! …keep me in the loop so I that I know that I need to pick up the slack or plan for another day.
“Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?”
Alex went out to do his thing last night and while I don’t really care, he did invite me to come only to tell me within the same breath that he’d be leaving said place in a whopping 20 min. So I elected to stay home and see him in about 45 min. Big deal right? Exactly…glad we are on the same page. Fast forward 4 hours later and he finally walked in the door and just looked all proud of himself. Now rather than start off the sentence with what I was thinking (which was basically….”Hey Jerkwad did you think about maybe calling me and saying I’d be home later than planned or even, Hey I changed my plans. Want to come now”) I did something more mature.
Stephanie: Did you have a good time?
Alex: We had a blast! You should have been there! Why didn’t you come????
Stephanie: Glad you had a good time, but its hard to know to join you when you tell me you are leaving in twenty minutes and then don’t but never text or call me sweetie. We’ll talk later, go to bed I know you have to get up early.
Alex: Huh. I guess. Wait, why aren’t you talking to me? We have lots to talk about.
Stephanie: Um…ok???? What’s up?
Alex: I don’t know. Whatever. I’m going to bed
And that my friends was the extent of our conversation. Now, those who know me know I was actually pretty upset. (oh my gosh, get off your high horses. I wasn’t upset that he was hanging out with friends or whatever. Sheesh.) All I wanted was a call, text, whatever letting me know his plans had changed. I’m sorry if that seems “controlling” because its not like I’m demanding he ask permission. I’m just asking he accord due respect to those he lives with, i.e. me, to let them know he won’t actually be home in 45 minutes. Also, I’m not a mind-reader. I cannot divine invitations to events or places. I’m just sayin’. (although that would be freaking cool!)
“It’s only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?”
And that was that. No fight. No irritation. Just a quick conversation and we crashed. Today, I hitched up those panties a little more and sent him a text (only cause its really hard to call and talk while we are at work) letting him know that he had hurt my feelings by his lack of foresight/respect in the matter and that I’d appreciate it if he would work on this for in the future. Well and to also ask him to pick up cat litter because our house is STINKY!
Point is . . . I stopped. I took a breath. I mentally threw some glitter in the air so that my frame of mind was calmer and then I communicated. I mean dang people. Look at me! I am finally getting the hang of this “grown-up” business. I got a mortgage and an SUV. All this responsibility . . . (quick! Name that tune!!) Next order of business is working on my mental state regarding a child. Huzzah. I feel for myself because, me, I’m one stubborn broad.
“La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar
Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight”