You ever have a fight that you intellectually know, even while the fight is occurring, is absolutely ridiculous? Then because you want to win or just want it over with or what may have you, you push and push the other person till the fight implodes and it’s over leaving everyone in their own little corner feeling anxious, ridiculous, and stewy? (Yes stewy…that is a word I just made up, but it works and accurately describes this feeling, work with me here.)
Alex and I had one of these fights last week and it was ridiculous. You see, we’ve been talking about (and trying! Wait…is that TMI. Dagnabit…sorry. I’ll just get on with it now.) to start expanding our family. Yet the very nature of doing so freaks us both out completely. Worries about money, we have no debt with the exception of our house and student loans and one more year on my car, worries about time, we both work full-time…, and worries about heck the color of paint on the walls of the office crowd our MY head. This is then compounded by the fact that Alex likes to talk and I like to clam up. Put those two things together and every now and then the pot goes KABOOM!
So here we are fighting because I feel ready, Alex has stated he wants to start having a family but has not explicitly said “I’m ready to be a Dad” in those exact words. As such I’m picking. I want those words. That exact phrase. I want him to be the nitwit that I feel like and express himself and his emotions in an eloquent and momentous manner as befits the situation. I.E. No matter what he said, even if it was the meaning I wanted to hear, I wasn’t having it. I was a Witch. So I pushed and I prodded, he resembled a ticked off cow and didn’t move an inch. Before he said oh go take a pill just to shut me up. I took a pill to spite him. The packet of which I left blatantly on his side of the sink so he could see just how serious I was. (really mature Stephanie…like this solved anything.)
Now the good news, in all this we did calm down, we did talk, we did resolve both our thoughts and more on this issue. I was able to point out that if I was nervous about the wedding (asking Alex on our wedding day if he was sure or if I was pressuring him too much…) and I’m nervous about EVERY big-ticket purchase we make (hello couches that took five months to buy because I couldn’t handle it) the thought of having a child equally terrifies me. Last I checked children do not have a 30-day return or exchange policy thank you very much. Nor do they come with a gift receipt or fun wrapping paper and a big bow. So of course I’m going to be nervous.
Now to clarify, Alex and I have talked about this LOTS. I have worries…worries about losing our friends if / when we do get pregnant, worries about money (yes this is constant for me, I revel in my freakishness), worries about being a couple and yadda yadda. We’ve discussed all my worries. We’ve discussed Alex’s concerns. We’ve talked and talked and talked. We know that for us as a couple, now is the right time to begin this journey. I realize many people out there may feel we should wait and enjoy being “us” right now. I also know a lot of people have an opinion on this subject. I’m simply going to say that in opening up about a subject that has been on our hearts for weeks now that you respect that we are two adults and have thought this through VERY CAREFULLY.
Which brings me to my biggest failing to date. I am incredibly impatient. I know that things will happen as they are meant to when they are meant to, but could things hurry it on up? I find myself jealous, JEALOUS for heaven’s sake, when I hear about other’s great fortune in this area. Heck, I just finished reading a book and was jealous of the ending of the book since it relayed the wonderful news of expectant parents. I mean how pathetic is that? Alex is a lot more relaxed about the entire matter. Of course I may read this here post when the time comes and yell at my yester-self (yup I keep making up words. Mr. Webster don’t hate) for EVER being so dang impatient, but it’s what I do. Still, for now at least I hope and I worry. I wonder and I ponder and I hope some more. Plus it seems every time I turn around someone else is preggers. So if there is something in the water or there is a baby – fairy running around, could someone pass along the info please and thank you?
And so concludes today’s mindless ramblings and dorky whining. I hope you will all forgive me for this weird post, but sometimes a girl’s gotta spill out her heart before her brain explodes!