A Bridge Over Troubled Waters

I was supposed to have this fun little post on what cute project I have for the bathroom (its curtains for our vanity which will hide the not so pretty bathroom accoutrement) but I gotta be honest with y’all.

I didn’t sew them. Not only did I not sew them, I don’t feel like sewing them. I don’t feel like sewing them because to do so would be to treat our home as completely okey dokey when it’s not.  No every single moment does not stink as we do still laugh together. We kiss, we say I love you, and we enjoy each other. But the prevailing feeling around our home is less than stellar right now.

Alex and I are struggling right now. A lot. Every day it seems like there is a new fight or a new frustration, when really it’s the same stuff over and over again. We are both such stubborn people, that when our backs get up neither of us want to bend, and bending is what this relationship needs. We’ll get there…eventually…but for now you might as well have two rams in our house. We achieve about the same amount of good when we talk as two rams do when they charge each other.

Right now Alex wants guy time. All the time. Guys Guys Guys. Alex Alex Alex. And it’s pissing me off to no end. Now if it were just you know, guy time, where he played video games or grabbed dinner and had a few beers before coming home I would be ok with it. However, it’s not. Its video games, it’s drinking, and it’s spending the night somewhere else. Every.Single.Time. I don’t agree with this practice at all. In fact to me it seems downright 1. Rude and 2. Suspicious.

He feels, as best I understand it, that he needs a break from all of the boiling mass of emotions in our house. From the worries, the wants, the distrust, the overall feelings of not happy that exists. Sadly, most of that stems from me because he’s the most roll-along and be happy guy I know. I see everything he says as basically saying he wants away from ME.  I’m sure neither are 100% accurate, but I’m doing my best to be fair here and explain both sides.

I don’t find his behavior appropriate for a married man. Single guy, yea sure, married guy with a wife at home…nope. Not acceptable. And I also feel like I can’t show him what I mean because he just doesn’t give a damn. Oh sure Alex loves me. But its hard feeling like your spouse is no longer your friend. Like life together is more of a chore than a treasure. This is where we sit right now.

Alex is a sociable person, a trait I much admire and respect, and one that truly caught my eye when we first met. However, that same trait is driving me insane. His phone jingles with text messages from work buddies, college co-eds from his college days, and who else knows at all hours of the day and night. He texts to friends of both genders whom I’ve never met more than he does me. Yes I live at home and he talks to me there, but I don’t find it justified by any reason that he should text others outside of his wife to wish a good morning or a hey how was your day. Those are intimate relationship builders that he has chosen to share with others outside of our marriage. And it’s disrespectful to our relationship.

I DO feel that we both deserve friends outside of our marriage in order to maintain our individuality. I also feel that at the heart of that is perhaps what Alex is struggling to balance. I just happen to feel like he’s walking into murkier ground than he ought to by his current practices.

So that’s where it stands. Now BEFORE YOU JUDGE let me just re-iterate it’s hard for this post to be up because I know there is more to this story. There is background that I can’t share. There is a whole other side to the story that Alex is not sitting here typing. Lots more, but what I’ve just shared is indeed the basics of our current situation. We are trying to fix it. We are talking about lots of options of how to fix it.

Basically we’re talking. We’re committed to finding a way out of this pit of mud we’ve managed to walk ourselves into. We have not walked away, but where we are right now ain’t exactly pretty hearts and flowers.

One of the things I swore up and down to do was keep it honest. I’m not going to re-play fights word for word, if for no other reason than I do not have the memory of an elephant. But I am and do want to share the downs as well as the ups in marriage. I know we aren’t the first married couple to go through this and we aren’t going to be the last. I wish we were full of hearts and laughter every day, but reality sometimes bites you in the butt.

Now in slightly happier thoughts – I will get those curtains done, I will share them, and I won’t likely  bring this up again until its happy news, but if my posting seems sporadic or otherwise less than stellar it’s not y’all. Its me. When I look at this blog and I look at time with my husband its important to me to choose my  husband so that Our Marriage Adventure can continue. Thanks for listening.


5 responses to “A Bridge Over Troubled Waters

  1. Ramblings of a Singleton

    Sounds like you’re being really constructive in your approach to this. I don’t know if you ever read the Boyfriend Whisperer (she’s guest blogged for me in the past) and her message is always to say exactly what you mean – although she puts it better than that. Maybe check her out. Anyway, sounds like you’re taking the right approach. I can’t offer any helpful advice really, beyond suggesting that after a certain point in the evenings mobile is family time and phones are switched off? I know some people who do this. I hope everything works itself out soon.

  2. *hugs* I support your relationship and love you. I’m a supporter for getting out of the muck and back on to more solid ground. I know this was hard to post but I hope in some way, it made you feel better, brought you even just a little relief.

  3. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. Thank you for being honest and forthright about how sometimes marriage just SUCKS. I honestly don’t think there’s enough of that and I so appreciate you being so open and honest about it. Marriage is not always sunshine and roses but no one is brave enough to share it. You’re going to get through this, and you’ve managed to share your troubles with dignity and grace.

  4. Well, if I can be blunt: please put baby making plans on hold till you resolve this. It IS resolvable, but adding a pregnancy and baby right now will just make everything worse.
    I’m a big believer in short term counseling. We’ve been 3 times when we’ve hit an issue we just can NOT work our way to agreement on. Going to a neutral 3rd party who will help you work it out is amazing and it can take as little as 3-6 months.

  5. Sounds like Alex isn’t quite ready to completely grow up and be an adult (I’m remembering some articles I’ve read recently about guys who do this). Husbands definitely should not be out all night, even with friends.
    Wonder how he’d feel if you often did the same thing.
    If he would agree, I think short-term counseling would help tremendously.

    Would you like me to make your curtains for you while I’m there?